Quartz City

The CrispyCone website commands us to introspect:

Isn’t it time to reinvent the way we eat our favorite foods?

Errr… Is it? Where does that pesky favorite food issue resides on the queue of the world’s problems? I can’t deny your logic though:

After all, we do everything differently than we did just a few years ago. The music industry has MP3’s. Cell phones got built-in cameras. Laptops went the wireless internet way.

Holy shit! You’re right! Please CrispyCones, tell us how to fix the problems with our favorite foods!

CrispyCones will forever change the way we look at meals on the go, with a new, fun alternative to traditional fast food. Made with nutritious ingredients and delivered in a smart drip-free cone that complements the delicious flavors of the food, the Crispy Cone lets you enjoy your favorite foods in a modern and environmentally-smart new way.

Wait what’s that about smart, drip-free cones? Are the cones intelligent or are they nice looking?

To meet the needs of the healthy, selective and environmentally conscious consumer. Not only is the shape of the cone different than anything else out there, it’s also different in concept: Nutritious. Responsible. Delicious. Prepared with care and thought. Environmentally smart, because it leaves no waste, and uses no utensils.
Prepared with freshly selected ingredients, served in a unique crispy, tasty dough, and filled with lean meats and fresh vegetables, the Crispy Cone caters to the taste buds as well as the needs of the health-conscious diner on the go.

With its easy-to-handle shape, the Crispy Cone is the food you’ll love to eat on the move. Whether in the car, the mall, or walking down the street, the Crispy Cone lets you enjoy its delicious, hassle-free flavors while shuffling through your MP3, driving your car, working at your desk or talking on your cell phone.

Ah yes, flavor is such a freaking hassle. I have to tell your marketing guys something though. DO NOT continue to use those cute pun names like Veggiecone, Chicone, and the hideously named Porcone. It doesn’t work for Burgerpipe and it certainly isn’t going to make your revolting products any easier to take seriously, much less eat. Both product and product name are the punch line to a fifth-grade vomit joke.

I fear for you Arcadia.

On the other hand, maybe the cone menace can be repelled by some Season Shots a.k.a. The Ammo With Flavor. The website copy needs no embellishment:

Season Shot is made of tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product. The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact seasoning the meat from the inside out. When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird. Forget worrying about shot breaking your teeth and start wondering about which flavor shot to use!

1. Load your gun with Season Shot and let the hunt begin. Watch as your bird is seasoned on impact leaving no harmful waste behind in the environment.

2. Forget about removing shot, prepare the whole bird for dinner! The Season Shot pellets will melt in the oven seasoning the entire bird.

3. Enjoy! No wasted time, no wasted meat, no waste left behind. Finally there’s a better way!

Unlike the ridiculous conespawn, Season Shot takes their competitors head on:

Season Shot
– Our ammo has flavor
– Seasoning from the field to the stove
– Season Shot is nature friendly leaving no shot to litter our environment
– No shot left in the bird to chip your teeth
– Cook the ENTIRE bird as it’s flavored from the inside out!

Other Brands
– No flavor here
– Seasoning after the bird has been breasted
– Even non-toxic shot clutters our environment with unwanted litter
– Traditional ammo forces you to breast your bird losing time and meat
– With traditional ammo it’s hard enough to cook a whole bird let alone season it from the inside

Season Shot also wins because they have a cute mascot of a shotgun shell with a chef’s hat. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this was a SubGenius prank.