Time for another installment of “Things I found on the Internet a decade ago.” It’s entirely possible that this originated from Chunklet…
Indie Credit Card Application
So do you all have enough indie credit for the platinum card? This is gonna show up in a zine soon…..
- What was the first show you saw?
- How many shows have you personally put on?
- Have they been all ages shows?
- Have any of these shows showcased obscure experimental or Japanese noise bands?
- Were any shows benefits for people in the scene?
- Is going to a show your idea of a night out?
- Do friends never see you except at shows?
- How many flyers have you made?
- When a pit forms do you:
- back away
- remain on the edge and get hit once in a while
- stand on the balcony and watch the mayhem unfold
IT’S WHO YOU KNOW
- Have any of the following people called you? (returning your call does not count)
- Do you refer to your friends by their band name? (i.e. Toby Motard, Jack Oblivian)
- Do people refer to you by your band name?
- Have you ever been personally responsible for getting a band signed to a label?
- Do bands often give you tape copies of their records before they’re released?
- How many records have you personally been thanked on?
- Do you find you know more people outside your home town than in it?
- Do people at record companies know who you are?
- Do you have an interesting David Yow story?
- Name the five most famous musicians you have met who would remember your first name.
- Names of bands that have slept on your floor…
- Got signed after sleeping on your floor
- Got signed after sleeping with you?
- Have you ever described a band as being “quirky” or “lo-fi”?
- Did you only find out about Squirrel Bait after the records got re-released on Drag City?
- In conversations to you confuse bands that have similar names?
- Do you own Dinosaur records without the ‘Jr’?
- Do you own all the Tortoise 12″s?
- Are you more partial to Half Japanese with David Fair?
- Have you bought a record because of the shock appeal of their name or record sleeve?
- Have you come up with descriptions for particular genres of music that have been widely used?
- Do you enjoy any form of music made prior to 1988? (The Velvet Underground does not count, nor does Joy Division or any Krautrock)
- Do you own an original 13th Floor Elevators record on International Artists?
- Do you own the Chrome 6LP Box Set?
- Had you heard of Sonic Youth prior to DGC?
- Had you heard of Jon Spencer prior to the Blues Explosion?
- Can Lydia Lunch rock?
- Do you “get” Loren Mazzacane-Connors?
- Did you used to make fun of country until Palace?
- Are you often heard saying “Yeah, but it’s not as good as their earlier stuff?”
- Is Jazz the music made for morons?
- When (mo/yr) did Pavement start sucking?
- When (mo/yr) did you purchase “Spiderland?”
- When (mo/yr) did you discover Thalia Zedek?
- When (mo/yr) did your teenage punk rock idols start sucking?
- When (mo/yr) did punk ‘break’ for you?
- When (mo/yr) did you start your membership in the Sub Pop Singles Club.
- When (mo/yr) did you stop the Sub Pop Singles Club to start the Estrus Crust Club?
- How many ska revivals have you lived through?
- How many records did you buy in the ’80’s on Homestead? In the 90’s?
- In conversations which band do you claim that you got into before your peers?
- What is the first Dischord record you purchased?
- What does ‘no depression’ mean to you?
- Please list all labels that you buy everything on regardless of whether you like it or not.
- Please list all bands that you buy everything by regardless of whether you like it or not.
- Name 4 bands that Penn Rollings has been in.
- Name 9 bands Bob Bert has been in?
- In the space below, please write one good thing about Merzbow.
- Loop or Spacemen 3?
- ‘Earth AD/Wolfsblood,’ ‘Blackacidevil,’ or ‘American Psycho’?
- Dead C or This Kind of Punishment?
- Prince or Prince Far I?
- Lee Perry or Mark Perry?
- Sniffin’ Glue or Sniffin’ Rock?
- Which of the following non-indie rock, chronological genre hot spots are you familiar:
- Late 60’s New York loft scene
- Late 70’s Cleveland Punk Rock
- 1960’s Rock Steady
- 1950/60’s one hit wonders
- Early 60’s Garage Rock scene
- Mid 70’s Dub Reggae
- Late 70’s British Art Punk
- early 80’s hardcore
- late 80’s hardcore
- 90’s complaint rock
- Race: White/Asian/Other
- Are you currently in a federal detention center?
- Marital status:
- Comic Books (of the super hero nature)
- D & D
- Trying to communicate with the opposite gender
- Your Pillow
- The Smiths
- glam metal
- drama club
- Taking tickets at the Children’s Museum
- Working with children
- Working with the poor
- Playing on a cash register
- Health Food Store
- (in Austin) Working with the mentally handicapped
- Living off Trust fund while eschewing capitalism
- Walking to mailbox and getting a check from parents
- Waiting for check to arrive from parents
- Calling parents and asking for a check
- Pricing newly arrived records
- Placing Pepperoni slices on things
- Placing alcohol in customer’s bodies
- Calling people you don’t know about things you don’t know
- Pulling coffee
- Dancing naked on tables
- Have you ever been on a panel at a music conference?
- Have you ever been interviewed as an authority on any music related subject?
- Have you ever been called “infamous” or “famous”?
- When was the last time (mo/yr) you were slammed in a magazine?
- How many fanzines have put you in their “thanks” list?
- If heterosexual and male, how many members of the opposite sex do you know on a first name basis?
- If you have a mate, are they as socially inept as yourself?
- Do you carry exposed drum keys to look cool?
- Do you sport sideburns of the sculptured variety?
- Do you tell people your chain wallet is a theft deterrent?
- Do you wear cowboy or motorcycle boots?
- Do you have a tattoo of a band logo on yourself and now you don’t like the band?
- Did you stop dying your hair when they started selling Manic Panic at the mall?
- Has anyone ever told you that you dress like a rock critic or a rock star?
- Have you not gotten that tattoo because of the pain factor?
- Do Japanese kids ever offer to buy the clothes off your back?
- Do your friends all look remarkably similar to you?
- Do you have any velour or terrycloth in your wardrobe?
- Does long hair facilitates rockin’?
- What’s the ratio of thrift to new clothing that you own?
- How thick are your glasses frames? How black?
- Which retro look do you follow:
- 60’s greaser
- 70’s doofus
- 80’s preppie
- 90’s dirtbag
- Do you own a record player?
- Is your collection alphabetized?
- Is your collection alphabetized by genre?
- Are any of your records signed and framed?
- Own any test pressings?
- Are your 45s worth more than your CD collection?
- Are record store employees actually nice to you?
- Do record store employees keep a stack of stuff for you behind the counter?
- Do you have to keep part of your record collection at your parent’s house?
- Do you buy records and discover you already have them at home?
- Do you wait to do all your record shopping until you get to New York City?
- Do you ever buy records just so people can see that they’re in your collection?
- Do you put all of your records in clear plastic bags?
- Do you actually listen to your 10″ collection?
- Have you ever been a member of the Pushead Fanclub?
- Total monetary value of your collection (Please include appraisal? ie: please specify average value per record as well)?
- What is your CD to Vinyl ratio?
- What is your LP to 7″ ratio?
- What is your Indie to major label ratio?
- What is the most you’ve ever paid for a record?
- What’s the least you have spent on a valuable record?
- How much of your meager earnings are spent on buying new CDs and records?
- How many times per year do you trade in CDs?
- How many records do you buy in a month?
- When (mo/yr) did you finally give in and buy a CD player?
- When (mo/yr) did you first receive an Ajax mail order catalog?
- When (mo/yr) was the last time you said your local record store sucks?
- When (mo/yr) did you first receive a Parasol mail order catalog?
- How much did you pay for your Silver Apples LP(s)?
- What is the oldest Fall record you own?
- What is the smallest pressing/edition release you own.
- What was the last record you bought because it was limited?
- What was the first 10″ you purchased?
- Does your significant other pay your bills?
- Does your significant other carry your amp?
- Does your significant other poster for your shows?
- Have you committed yourself whole heartedly to veganism or animal rights only to renounce it later?
- Did you used to be all environmentally friendly, but now use the street as your personal trash bin?
- Do you have any pets named after musicians?
- Do you tend to refer to things as being pre- or post-Nirvana?
- Do you find yourself upset when other people fail to see how weird you are?
- Has everyone you hung out with in college been signed?
- Are you familiar with cheap eats like burritos, falafel and tofu dogs?
- Are you constantly mistaken for a member of a band?
- When you get into collecting something, does it become popular in mainstream media 6-12 months later?
- Do you find your obsessive love of childhood cultural references like Scooby Doo and Speed Racer wildly original and wacky?
- Are you a tech snob with no knowledge on how to play any musical instrument?
- Have you squatted in London for a year to find your roots?
- Do you downplay how much you know about computers? about most things?
- Do you curse in order to downplay your extensive vocabulary?
- Do people constantly ask you to explain what you’re talking about anyway?
- When do you go to bed?
- When do you wake up?
- You’re at the bar: Anchor Steam or Budweiser?
- Have you ever been an intern at a record label?
- Are/were you active in college radio?
- Did you land a job after college thanks to connections made at the station?
- Did you steal stuff while working at the station? No, seriously. We won’t tell.
- Would you listen to other shows on the station, or only your own?
- Do you prefer listening to your aircheck tapes to making mix tapes for your car?
- Do you still have a radio show at the local college even though you graduated years ago?
- Do you find that your radio show helps you meet sophomores?
- Was there a movie (i.e. Slacker, Singles) that specifically ruined your scene?
- If so, were you in the movie?
- Did it really freak you out when the Flaming Lips were on 90210?
- When you first saw Suburbia, did it remind you of your friends?
- Are you embarrassed about that now?
- Have you ever lived in Olympia or DC?
- Do you own an 8mm camera?
- Do you own an 8-Track?
- Do you own a record label?
- Do you own a tape label?
- At what point did you find out that it was harder than it looks?
- Do you have anybody famous on your label? (compilation appearances do not count)
- Have you advertised in any zine? Name five.
- Have you ever kissed the ass of a zine editor (or Music Director) so that they will feature (or play) your band?
- Have you ever gone on tour and you’re not in the band?
- Have you ever moved to a city because the scene was starting to take off?
- Have you ever moved away from a city because the scene was being taken over by posers?
- Have you tried being in a few crappy bands yourself?
- Have you recorded other bands on your four track?
- How many band mailing lists are you on?
- How many record label mailing lists are you on?
- When was the last time you told someone that Fugazi only charges $5 for their shows?
- At what age did you stop listening to commercial radio?
THE WRITTEN WORD
- Do you put out a zine?
- Was it done with the sole purpose of getting free stuff?
- Have you ever been a regular contributor to a zine?
- Was it done with the sole purpose of getting free stuff?
- Have you ever kept a pretentious, nihilistic road journal to publish in your zine?
- Do you give up on zines if the general grammar and design flat-out sucks?
- Do you have a secret crush on The Baffler because they use SAT words, too?
- Did you stop reading MRR because it turns your fingers black?
- Was the first copy of the Baffler you bought the one with the Albini article in it?
- Do you own back issues of Conflict?
- How many promo lists are you on?
- How many promos do you sell in a month?
- How many zines can you name?
- Can you name the people who put them out?
- How many fanzines do you “subscribe” to?
- When was the last issue of MRR (mo/yr) that you bought and read? If you read it in the store, it still counts…
- When (mo/yr) was the last issue of Forced Exposure?
- Do you have the ability to mention a musical trend that happened just prior to the one somebody else mentioned?
- At what decibel level to you proclaim your disgust or disinterest in music in general?
- Do you have somebody who sells merchandise for you?
- Do you call merchandise “merch”?
- Have you driven over 600 miles to play a show?
- Were you then paid in beer?
- Have you ever destroyed your equipment on stage?
- Have you done a Peel Session?
- Have you toured Europe?
- Do you have any road stories that involve Manny Theiner?
- Do you pass hometown clubs with your college friends and say “We played there!”
- Do you breathe fire on stage?
- Does your band have a “schtick”?
- Where is South Of The Border?
- Have you ever seen the Nuclear Tits?
- What is the furthest north you’ve toured?
- What is the furthest south you’ve toured?
- Do you know what a sycophant is?
- Do you maintain a bands official or unofficial web page? (you’re not in the band)
- Do you run the fan club for a band? (you’re not in the band)
- Are you on the chug, indie-pop or space-rock mailing lists?
- Have you ever taken a piece of equipment after it’s been destroyed on stage by someone famous?
- How many collectible posters do you own?
- How many are:
- Derek Hess
- Art Chantry
Found on USENET years ago…
[FROM THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW] Todd: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: (reading from card) So, Todd, you’re here to tell your girlfriend something. What is it?
Todd: Well, Jerry, my girlfriend Ursula and I have been going out for three years now. We did everything together. We were really inseparable. But then she discovered post-Marxist political and literary theory, and it’s been nothing but fighting ever since.
Jerry: Why is that?
Todd: You see, Jerry, I’m a traditional Cartesian rationalist. I believe that the individual self, the “I” or ego is the all metaphysics. She, on the other hand, believes that the contemporary self is a socially constructed, multi-faceted subjectivity reflecting the political and economic realities of late capitalist consumerist discourse.
Todd: I know! I know! Is that infantile, or what?
Jerry: So what do you want to tell her today?
Todd: I want to tell her that unless she ditches the post-modernism, we’re through. I just can’t go on having a relationship with a woman who doesn’t believe I exist.
Jerry: Well, you’re going to get your chance. Here’s Ursula!
Ursula storms onstage and charges up to Todd.
Ursula: Patriarchal colonizer!
She slaps him viciously. Todd leaps up, but the security guys pull them apart before things can go any further.
Ursula: Don’t listen to him! Logic is a male hysteria! Rationality equals oppression and the silencing of marginalized voices!
Todd: The classical methodology of rational dialectic is our only road to truth! Don’t try to deny it!
Ursula: You and your dialectic! That’s how it’s been through our whole relationship, Jerry. Mindless repetition of the post-Enlightenment meta-narrative. “You have to start with radical doubt, Ursula.” “Post-structuralism is just classical sceptical thought re-cast in the language of semiotics, Ursula.”
Crowd: Booo! Booo!
Jerry: Well, Ursula, come on. Don’t you agree that the roots of contemporary neo-Leftism simply have to be sought in Enlightenment political philosophy?
Ursula: History is the discourse of powerful centrally located voices marginalizing and de-scribing the sub-altern!
Todd: See what I have to put up with? Do you know what it’s like living with someone who sees sex as a metaphoric demonstration of the anti-feminist violence implicit in the discourse of the dominant power structure? It’s terrible. She just lies there and thinks of Andrea Dworkin. That’s why we never do it any more.
Ursula: You liar! Why don’t you tell them how you haven’t been able to get it up for the past three months because you couldn’t decide if your penis truly had essential Being, or was simply a manifestation of Mind?
Todd: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Ursula: It’s true!
Jerry: Well, I don’t think we’re going to solve this one right away. Our next guests are Louis and Tina. And Tina has a little confession to make!
Louis and Tina come onstage. Todd and Ursula continue bickering in the background.
Jerry: Tina, you are… (reads cards) … an existentialist, is that right?
Tina: That’s right, Jerry. And Louis is, too.
Jerry: And what did you want to tell Louis today?
Tina: Jerry, today I want to tell him…
Jerry: Talk to Louis. Talk to him.
Tina: Louis… I’ve loved you for a long time…
Louis: I love you, too, Tina.
Tina: Louis, you know I agree with you that existence precedes essence, but…well, I just want to tell you I’ve been reading Nietzsche lately, and I don’t think I can agree with your egalitarian politics anymore.
Crowd: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Louis: (shocked and disbelieving) Tina, this is crazy. You know that Sartre clarified all this way back in the 40’s.
Tina: But he didn’t take into account Nietzsche’s radical critique of democratic morality, Louis. I’m sorry. I can’t ignore the contradiction any longer!
Louis: You got these ideas from Victor, didn’t you? Didn’t you?
Tina: Don’t you bring up Victor! I only turned to him when I saw you were seeing that dominatrix! I needed a real man! An Uber-man!
Louis: (sobbing) I couldn’t help it. It was my burden of freedom. It was too much!
Jerry: We’ve got someone here who might have something to add. Bring out…Victor!
Victor enters. He walks up to Louis and sticks a finger in his face.
Victor: Louis, you’re a classic post-Christian intellectual. Weak to the core!
Louis: (through tears) You can kiss my Marxist ass, Reactionary Boy!
Victor: Herd animal!
Louis throws a chair at Victor; they lock horns and wrestle. The crowd goes wild. After a long struggle, the security guys pry them apart.
Jerry: Okay, okay. It’s time for questions from the audience. Go ahead, sir.
Audience member: Okay, this is for Tina. Tina, I just wanna know how you can call yourself an existentialist, and still agree with Nietzsche’s doctrine of the Ubermensch. Doesn’t that imply a belief in intrinsic essences that is in direct contradiction with the fundamental principles of existentialism?
Tina: No! No! It doesn’t. We can be equal in potential, without being equal in eventual personal quality. It’s a question of Becoming, not Being.
Audience member: That’s just disguised essentialism! You’re no existentialist!
Tina: I am so!
Audience member: You’re no existentialist!
Tina: I am so an existentialist, bitch!
Ursula stands and interjects.
Ursula: What does it [bleep] matter? Existentialism is just a cover for late capitalist anti-feminism! Look at how Sartre treated Simone de Beauvoir!
Women in the crowd cheer and stomp.
Tina: [Bleep] you! Fat-ass Foucaultian ho!
Ursula: You only wish you were smart enough to understand Foucault, bitch!
Tina: You the bitch!
Ursula: No, you the bitch!
Tina: Whatever! Whatever!
Jerry: We’ll be right back with a final thought! Stay with us!
Commercial break for debt-consolidation loans, ITT Technical Institute, and Psychic Alliance Hotline.
Jerry: Hi! Welcome back. I just want to thank all our guests for being here, and say that I hope you’re able to work through your differences and find happiness, if indeed happiness can be extracted from the dismal miasma of warring primal hormonal impulses we call human relationship.
(turns to the camera)
Well, we all think philosophy is just fun and games. Semiotics, deconstruction, Lacanian post-Freudian psychoanalysis, it all seems like good, clean fun. But when the heart gets involved, all our painfully acquired metaphysical insights go right out the window, and we’re reduced to battling it out like rutting chimpanzees. It’s not pretty. If you’re in a relationship, and differences over the fundamental principles of your respective subjectivities are making things difficult, maybe it’s time to look for someone new, someone who will accept you and the way your laughably limited human intelligence chooses to codify and rationalize the chaos of existence. After all, in the absence of a clear, unquestionable revelation from God, that’s all we’re all doing anyway. So remember: take care of yourselves-and each other.
(Origin unknown. Emailed to me in 1994. All mistakes, inconsistencies, etc. come from the original document)
Aircraft – Space Systems – Missiles
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
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- F-14 Tomcat
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