Quartz City

First the Food Network dissolved most of it’s “how to cook” programming in exchange for stunt shows and even more of the execrable Emeril. Then the Game Show Network dumps it’s classy 50s-era reruns for a “contemporary, youth-based image”. Then, Al Gore buys out my favorite news channel NWI and plans to transform it “into an independent station for twentysomething viewers.” Now, TechTV, which admittedly I didn’t watch much except for the occasional rerun of Max Headroom and The Thunderbirds has been bought out:

One laid-off employee told me that in pursuit of the young male demographic, Comcast has an incentive to replace these veteran computer-industry personalities with twentysomethings.

If that’s true, I worry that we won’t be seeing any more of TSS’s trademark interviews with brilliant-but over-30-industry pioneers like Jef Raskin, Robert Moog, Don Norman and Douglas Engelbart.

In fact, you have to wonder what interviews and cutting-edge demos they’ll offer at all, since Comcast is moving what’s left of TechTV from San Francisco (high-tech country) to L.A. (video-game country).

Then there’s the new Web site, G4TechTV.com, which is a blinking, pulsing organizational disaster. Its chaos doesn’t say much for the show’s new guardians, although the G4TechTV spokesman reminded me that the two channels merged only last Friday, on a holiday weekend. He assured me that the Web site will constantly improve.

The real tragedy is that a merged gamer-PC channel might not be any more likely to succeed than two separate channels did; in fact, you might argue that the combined channel will disappoint both constituencies equally. As one disappointed fan wrote on G4’s feedback board: “They think they can attract a larger, younger demographic by just putting on younger faces. These people, however, will not feel the pinch until the ratings plummet down the road. It happened where I worked before.”

Three things: First off, if network programmers really want to capture the younger demographic then suspend all programming and only distribute shows via BitTorrent. Otherwise you’re only wasting electricity. Second, if you are a network programmer and are reading this, FUCK OFF! Third, if you are a network programmer then before you fuck off please hire me as a cultural consultant. I’m always a good year to two years ahead of Big Media in determining what is cool. My success rate is 100% and I’m ready and willing to sell out.

Getting back to the Food Network, Alton Brown is asked what he would do if he ran the network and his answers are interesting and pretty much on the money.

I would put old cooking shows on in late night…Julia, Kerr, all the old classics that are really cool. I’d turn late night into a food version of TV land but not before my one hour talk show in the 11:30 slot. That’s right Dave, I’m comin’ after your worn out butt!

I’d produce more documentaries and specials and I’d make Tony Bourdain actually cook something on television, by force if necessary. I’d give a cooking show to a lunch room lady from mid-America. I’d produce more Iron Chefs but I’d find a female Iron Chef first.

I’d find someone to do a realistic, but within reason Mexican food show. I’d bring back Bill Bogg’s Corner Table and David Rosengarten…though I’d make the later shave. I’d do away with stock photography and Voice Overs would be restricted to 8% of a show’s total run time.

That’s all just for starters. Oh, and I’d never, ever put a show in front of a focus group….ever.