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Way back prior to 9/11 and the current state of national FUD, The Onion published a famous satire titled “Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over”. Dan Chak revisits the article now and finds that most of the Onion’s predictions have come true.

I had no idea just how unhappy the lives of rural mailboxes were until I read this Boing Boing thread. I’ll leave the obvious “rural yahoo stupidity” comments as an exercise for the reader, but the follow-up thread on rural mailbox fortification techniques is a hoot.

John Wilson sez: I remember seeing an article in a magazine (popular mechanics?) about 4 or 5 years ago about a guy who went through three mailboxes in quick succession.  He was a welder, so he bought one of those great big mailboxes, and modded it by replacing the sides and bottom with 1/2 inch thick steel, and the top with a section of 1/4 inch steel pipe cut in half.  Mounted it on a big-ass pole, deep hole, lots of concrete, etc.

Couple days later he found a half broken baseball bat at the foot of the mailbox.  Not a dent in the box itself…

check to make sure that you’re impersonating a legitimate god at GodChecker.com. By the way, say “yes.”

The 2005 colors are in, and the theme for next year are “colors that convey a respectful, serious nature, yet touch the soul.” Yet at the same time “by 2005, the attitudinal cycle will swing toward indulgence and away from the current mood of abstinence.”

What does this mean? Prepare for colors such as Bucko, Atomic, Fire Copper, Northern Lights, Thistle Bloom, and Sulphur. Did you purchase a silver car? Gotta sell it now because for transportation:

The popularity of silver evolves to anodized metal finishes, grays, and color tinted silvers. However, cost reductions and technology limitations challenge designers to be creative and innovative. Weatherized, burnished patinas and finish alternatives replace silver and chrome. Embossing creates new textures and new technology facilitates variable color effects. For interiors, special effects enhance “touch and hand” of surfaces.

Briar – Straight from the European high-fashion runways, this natural interpretation of red moves to automotive interiors and exteriors.

Miami Ice – Light, clean, and sophisticated, this retro blue, without special effects, is new to transportation. Inspiration for Miami Ice comes from the usage of this warm blue in fashion, graphics, home furnishings, and cosmetics.

Silver Leaf – As silver evolves, this minty pastel is a new way to do green. Silver Leaf is inspired by the widespread usage of glass in architecture, electronics and product design.

Driftwood – Borrowed from fashion, electronics, and architecture, this complex warm gray is more conservative than silver. Driftwood is a cost-effective and comfortable alternative to nickel, chrome and stainless steel.

Chiblonde – A fresh interpretation of gold, with white highlights. Inspired by European fashion and cosmetics.

Who the hell is behind this? The shadowy Color Marketing Group:

CMG members forecast Color Directions one to three years in advance for all industries, manufactured products and services. These Consumer/Residential and Contract/Commercial products include: Action/Recreation, Consumer Goods, Technology, Home, Visual Communications, Transportation, Juvenile Products, Fashion, and environments for Office, Health Care, Retail, Hospitality/Entertainment and Institutional/Public Spaces.

R.I.P.

IVANPAH, Calif. (AP) – Al Dvorin, the concert announcer who made famous the phrase “Elvis has left the building,” was killed in an auto accident. He was 81.

Dvorin was thrown from the car he was riding in Sunday after it swerved off a desert road near Ivanpah, the California Highway Patrol said.

The night before, Dvorin performed his signature closing line at Trump 29 Casino in Coachella, with “American Trilogy,” a concert by Elvis impersonator Paul Casey that included conversations with Dvorin and other Presley friends.

A former bandleader and talent agent in Chicago, Dvorin was with the King from his early days as a performer and was on his last tour in 1977, the year Presley died.

I’ll spare the obvious “Al has left the…” headline here. What I find interesting is that this is the only time I’ve ever seen Ivanpah namechecked in a news story. The “town” is basically just an intersection with some cows and joshua trees with little else around. I used to camp out that way quite a bit.

A couple months ago, I threw together a list of ten punk songs about Reagan. Thought of a couple more and made it into a full-blown C70.

1. Ron And Nancy Reagan – “Pro Marijuana PSA”
2. Dead Kennedys – “We’ve Got A Bigger Problem Now”
3. Accelerators – “Reaganland”
4. D.I. – “Reagan Der Fuhrer”
5. D.R.I. – “Reaganomics”
6. Dayglo Abortions – “Ronald McRaygun”
7. Government Issue – “Hey Ronnie”
8. Accelerators – “Reaganomics Fuck Off”
9. Teenage Depression – “Reagan’s Gestapo”
10. Inferno – “Ronald Reagan”
11. J.F.A. – “Jody Fosters Army”
12. M.I.A – “All The President’s Skin”
13. Dead Kennedys – “Moral Majority”
14. NOFX – “Reagan Sucks”
15. M.A.D. – “Holocaust”
16. Tongue Avulsion – “Libyan Hit Squad”
17. D.O.A. – “Fucked Up Ronnie”
18. Ramones – “Bonzo Goes To Bitburg”
19. Social Unrest – “General Enemy”
20. The Fartz – “Battle Hymn Of Ronnie Reagan”
21. The Minutemen – “If Reagan Played Disco”
22. Rattus – “Reagan In Joululahja”
23. Toxic Reasons – “Destroyer”
24. Shattered Faith – “Reagan Country”
25. Sector 4 – “White House”
26. Suicidal Tendencies – “I Shot The Devil”
27. Wasted Youth – “Reagan’s In”
28. Ism – “John Hinckley Jr.”
29. The Crucifucks – “Hinckley Had A Vision”
30. The Prima Donnas – “Reagan’s Dead”
31. The Damned – “Bad Time For Bonzo”
32. The Simpsons – “Rappin’ Ronnie Reagan”

Quote of the month from the London News Review

This fact – that The Scream is forever being stolen – has added a new layer of meaning to the original. The sickly fear, the angst which radiates out from the ghoulish face of the screamer, is now shot through with the uncertainty that at any moment the canvas might be wrenched from the wall and shoved in the boot of an Audi. The scream is as much a cry of help as a cry of anguish. The strange stretched lips twist to form the plaintive words: “Please stop stealing me” – but in the empty eyes you can see the dreadful certainty that the theft will take place.

OK, the list of rip off films is getting ridiculous now. We’ve had Turkish Star Wars, Soviet Star Trek, North Korean Godzilla, etc. What’s next? Behold Indian Superman! “You will believe a movie can suck.”

Shekhar takes the Kryptonian vibrator and, with the assistance of a heaping helping of stock footage, creates the Fortress of Solitude and transforms into Superman. He flies over India, courtesy of more stolen footage and some aerial shots of Bombay. We are also introduced to an odd fish-eyed lens effect that is used to signify Superman flying from time to time. It appears that the camera operator simply placed the camera on a tripod in the middle of Bombay, tilted it up towards the skyline, and spun around a few times. This is supposed to give the illusion of buildings whizzing by when the silhouette of a prone Supes is overlaid on it, but instead gives the incredibly real sensation that you are just on the verge of throwing up.

Little did I know that “something black in my lentils” is the Hindi idiomatic equivalent of “something fishy is going on.”

I’ve mentioned the New York City model before, but I had no idea there was a model San Francisco Bay too. Built by the Army Corps Of Engineers in the 1950s, the giant 1.5 acre model is used to study bay tides, currents, and hydraulic forces. The model is in Sausalito and is open to the public.