I think this was originally posted to USENET years ago, but the exact origin is unclear. Anyway, a recent ILX thread asked about the disappearance of “information superhighway” metaphors, so it’s time to drag this out again especially since AOL just discontinued USENET access.
The “September that never ended” finally ends.
I get so tired of people who say to think of the Internet as a computer highway. Some clueless fool (and that includes both Clinton and Gore) talking about the “Information Superhighway.” They don’t know crap about the net if they think it’s like a highway. It’s nothing like a Superhighway; that’s a bad metaphor.
Yeah, but suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were like the Net. All right! Severe craziness. A highway hundreds of lanes wide; most with potholes. Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. 237 on ramps at every intersection — no signs.
Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single occupant vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of Ebola victims. Throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars most of which have been assembled at home from kits.
Some of the other vehicles are 2.5 horsepower lawn mower engines with a top speed of two miles an hour. Still others burn Nitroglycerine and idle at 120 mph. No license tags; World War II bomber nose art instead; terrifying paintings of huge teeth or vampire Eagles; bumper-mounted machine guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the Krud Traffic Watch helicopter. A little kid on a tricycle with a squirt gun filled with Hydrochloric Acid. No exits or off-ramps.
Now that’s how an Interstate Highway system would be if it were like the Net.
When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, Detroit replies: “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?”
So while we’re at it, how about some special vehicles for this so called “Information Super Highway”. Here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise…
OSI – This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process – almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 feet long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick…
TCP/IP – This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it’s getting harder to find. It’ll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels…
WWW – This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you’re lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you’re okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they’re all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there…
Mosaic – This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It’ll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it’s quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, while sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Graceland.
ftp – This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the trunk with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windshield, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.
telnet – This is a reliable old family station wagon. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane freeway as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck.
Windows X – This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors, sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the color of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realize that you never left your driveway.
Windows 95 – A big improvement over the Windows X model, and it boasts a big “Highway Ready” sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the parking lot. You get inside, and press the big red “Go Info-Hwy” button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.
