From: guilty tyrant, echounit@hotmail.com Subject: when is my new disc coming?N/C Date: 2/3/2002 10:53:01 AM To: seance@lists.no-fi.com The Train Ride In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again." -------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTERS TO WELFARE For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Departmentin applications for support of receiving payments. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. 6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. 7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. 8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? 14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. 16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever wondered? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? If you jogged backward...would you gain weight? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers? If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Should you drink the water in authentic Mexican restaurants Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? Why do we always say thunder and lightning when the lightning comes first? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Is the main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse? If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind? In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Do fish get cramps after eating? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? What you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go to the bathroom in a handicapped stall? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when when they threw a gun at him? _________________________________________________________________ MSN Photos is the easiest way to share and print your photos: http://photos.msn.com/support/worldwide.aspx